Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I Love butterflies

This week has been a blessing.  I am feeling  the baby quite often now.  It feels like litle flutters; little reminders that I am no longer just me.  I have a little one inside of me growing, reminding me what it there is to come.  I love those reminders.  They are so warm.  And each time I think of Chase.  I miss his kicks and movements and this makes me think of them.  Some days this feels like one hell of a long pregnancy--like I've been pregnant since April 2009.   

I have been working this past week at the event and seen by many people.  Some of them I have shared the namese and ages of my kids with.  And with those, I have always told them about Chase.  I don't cry when I tell them.  (usually)  But I do talk about it. To people I don't even know, but I share with them motherhood.  And when people see my bump and ask me my due date, I feel guilty.  Guilty for sharing this pregnancy.  In case.  In case we get hurt again and I will wish I wouldn't have put myself out there again.  And maybe guilty for being pregnant and not having a toddler at my hip like I should.  Guilt for my life having transpired like this.  I don't know exactly why, but in some ways I wish I was in that hole I wanted to crawl in when Chase died and not come out until I have a newborn in my arms.  But it brings me joy to show emotino and joy for this pregnancy and to get to know this little one.  So I am thankful for these flutters.  I love each one and I can't wait to feel the next one.  I have my newest little buddy right here with me all the time.  All the while missing my little butterfly that is flying above me. 

Friday, September 3, 2010


Here is our newest little boy!
I am feeling so much excitement today!  I have been "excited" for this pregnancy, but today I feel so completely different.  We had our doctor appointment yesterday and got such an overwhelming feeling of relief, I can hardly explain it.  I don't know why, really, because our first appointment was very positive, too.  Everything has checked out okay since the beginning.  But yesterday we saw 3d pictures and 2d pictures and watched our baby for what seemed like hours.  Every organ and every test appears very healthy and normal at this point and the doctors are very confident that this baby is perfectly healthy.  Now as I type those words, I realize that Chase was so very healthy, too, and that makes me feel not so good.....but I have been worried that we would run into something this time around and yesterday it seems that those worries have been lifted.  I am very excited to meet this little guy.

Yes, we found out yesterday he is a boy so we have told the kids and our families and the word is out.  My MIL gave me the huge stash of stuff she had bought for Chase to come home to and it was so bittersweet for her to give it to me and for me to receive it from her.  We both were very emotional for our little Chase.   It hurts that he never used these things.  But now I will tell this new little one how special he is and how special these clothes are that he will be wearing because they were his big brother's.  I have so many emotions balled up inside me right now and for the most part, I want to jump for joy and skip around everywhere with a big smile on my face.  But there is no where that this happiness goes that there is not a longing for my sweet little Chase, too.  I have a rainbow, yes I do.  But it doesn't negate the storm that came before it.  I know Chase is here with us.  He's watching us and taking care of his little brother.  There is so much in this pregnancy that feels like deja vu and to me, that's not a bad thing.  We are under very very good care with wonderful doctors and me and the baby are both very healthy right now.  For that I am so very grateful. And one day, we will bring this baby home in not just in our hearts, but also in our arms.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Appointment tomorrow

I felt the baby move tonight while I was sitting at the little table, pretty vividly.  That's good.  Because there is so much of the time that this pregnancy still doesn't seem real.  It is weird--but I just don't feel pregnant most of the time, other than being fat and tired.  I guess those are two obvious signs, but as big as I am, I feel like this baby should be moving and I should be feeling it.  Part of me is excited to find out the sex tomorrow.  Or anxious I should say.  The other part of me is waiting to find out of everything is going "right", healthy, etc.  Still waiting for that confirmation.  In my heart I have it, but in my head I don't think I do yet.  I need help getting through this, little one.  Lots of help.  Praying tonight that tomorrow is a good day.