This week has been a blessing. I am feeling the baby quite often now. It feels like litle flutters; little reminders that I am no longer just me. I have a little one inside of me growing, reminding me what it there is to come. I love those reminders. They are so warm. And each time I think of Chase. I miss his kicks and movements and this makes me think of them. Some days this feels like one hell of a long pregnancy--like I've been pregnant since April 2009.
I have been working this past week at the event and seen by many people. Some of them I have shared the namese and ages of my kids with. And with those, I have always told them about Chase. I don't cry when I tell them. (usually) But I do talk about it. To people I don't even know, but I share with them motherhood. And when people see my bump and ask me my due date, I feel guilty. Guilty for sharing this pregnancy. In case. In case we get hurt again and I will wish I wouldn't have put myself out there again. And maybe guilty for being pregnant and not having a toddler at my hip like I should. Guilt for my life having transpired like this. I don't know exactly why, but in some ways I wish I was in that hole I wanted to crawl in when Chase died and not come out until I have a newborn in my arms. But it brings me joy to show emotino and joy for this pregnancy and to get to know this little one. So I am thankful for these flutters. I love each one and I can't wait to feel the next one. I have my newest little buddy right here with me all the time. All the while missing my little butterfly that is flying above me.