I had a very odd dream last night. It was kind of morbid, very daunting, rather unnerving. We are trying to get pregnant but I can honestly say that I have been very cool about it, not focussing on it and not dwelling on it and not worrying about it too much. It's on my mind, but it's not overbearing to me and not consuming my thoughts. Chase is. He still does that. He always will. And this dream really drove that point home to me.
I wanted to write this down as soon as I woke up but I didn't, and here it is 6:30pm so, needless-to-say, I don't remember many of the details, mostly just the point. I was watching Reese play a basketball game in the gym. He was the only 4-year-old on the court, the rest were teenagers or adults, but he was playing hard, and would get so mad when he missed a shot. :) There were a lot of people in the dream, but only 4 main characters--only these I knew: Me, Reese, Chase, and a baby. I was holding Chase while I was standing there watching the game. And I also had a baby in an infant carrier. I held the carrier on my bent right arm and was holding Chase on my left hip. I never looked at the baby. I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. It was mine, I just was more concerned about Chase. Because, you see, he wasn't "whole". By that I mean he wasn't completely healthy, maybe developmentally delayed or under developed. He didn't really seem 11 months old to me, he seemed like a wobbly little baby, and he was weak. I had just "gotten him back". I don't know how or where, but I guess he "came back" and I only had a short time with him, that I knew. So I was watching Reese, the covered infant carrier with the baby in it and holding and looking at Chase. His hair was longer, baby-fine and flowing around. He just didn't seem like a healthy baby. I kissed all over him and looked at him and hugged him and talked to him, because I knew he wasn't here for long.
My point in this was that as bad as I want another baby, there is no replacement for Chase. My longing for him will never go away. This hole he has left in my heart will never mend. I want him so badly I would take him in any form he came to me in. Perfect or less than perfect. I miss you, baby boy. I hope you are doing fine. It hurts me to think that you are not. Sweet dreams. Godspeed.