Saturday, October 16, 2010

An update

Everything has been going very well lately.  I have felt great actually.  My awful bouts with gas have subsided and I have not fought that issue for about 2 weeks.  It has been really nice not being uncomfortable with gas bubbles rumbling around in my "guts", so-to-speak.  When you suffer greatly and often from these pains, you really appreciate those times when you don't and I have been very grateful for this lately.  The baby is kicking quite a bit and I love feeling him all the time.  I have not shared too much of this with the kids yet, because it is all about "timing" of course, but in the next week or so, I suspect it will be much more obvious to the outside world the movement this little one is conducting inside me.  

The option for VBAC versus a planned c-section has been on my mind more and more.  There are many factors to consider in this plan and I/we have not made any decisions yet.  I am considering both for several reasons.  Though this day I seem to be leaning toward a c-section, the memories of my surgery with Chase have been haunting me.  These were some of the most ugly memories of losing Chase and when I actually sit and force myself to recall those events, I realize that I am terrified of having that surgery again.  I know what I experienced was not normal and most likely wouldn't happen again but it doesn't make those memories go away or any less scary.  After establishing with a new doctor and receiving the treatment and care that I have for this pregnancy, I cannot believe I settled for the grossly substandard care I received during Chase's pregnancy.  Knowing that this lack of care will not happen again, is very reassuring in the outcome I expect from this pregnancy and delivery.  But still.......I will never forget......And the decisions we will be making in the next few months will be talked about and thought about and talked about more until Patric, myself and my doctors are all comfortable with our plan.


Yesterday was my 2nd Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day to remember and, like many others, I lit some candles in memory of sweet Chase and the many other little ones that have left this earth too soon.  I hate to think about the fact that this is part of my life, but I am grateful for the community that supports those bereaved parents and am comforted by the thoughts and memories and prayers for our sweet little boy from people across the globe.  To those whose hearts are forever broken, may you feel comfort and peace in knowing your loved ones are not forgotten.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Feeling awesome

We took a "family trip" last week; got in my drs. appts., a concert with the kids and the zoo to name a few. It's nice to get away and not worry about things.  The kids' teachers were all cool with us taking the 2 days off.  And I was too.  To get to leave town and not have to worry about school (or homeschool) was nice.  The appointments both went great.  I got to watch little guy busy at work moving, kicking, hiccupping in my stomach in 4D even.  What a very cool experience.  Makes my eyes water every time.  I wonder what Chase would have looked like in there.  I kick myself for not asking for those pictures then.  Kick myself.  Maybe I would have gone back to them just so I could get more of those pictures and how different would have things gone then?  Regardless, I would have had more pictures of him to look at and how cool that would have been.  These 3D images are just so cool.  I used to not really like them when people would get them because I mean, really, what are you leaving to the element of surprise when baby is born into this world?  Why would you want to see and know so much about your baby before he is even born?  Just knowing they're healthy was always plenty for me to know.

These days I'm not into preserving for the "element of surprise".  Look what you can miss out on, is how I see it now.  I absolutely love knowing this baby is a boy.  And I absolutely love seeing these detailed images of him.  I feel like I know him already not as an "it" but as our little baby boy.  It is so cool.  When I feel him flutter and kick me, I picture him in there just like I saw him on the screen and it is amazing.  The ultrasound tech even made a DVD for me to bring home with the 4D (which is like streaming video for a few seconds) and all the 3D images.  I couldn't stick around for it so I will post it after next appt.  But here are some pics of our littlest angel.  

I posted on my other blog the emotions we are going through right now and announced this pregnancy finally over there.  It's not so easy to share this kind of news with all the babyloss moms who read your posts and always support you with such comforting words in their comments.  Rainbows are always sought after, but not always seen and no one wants to cause anymore pain to these moms than they're already going through.  I know; I've been there.