Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I don't know what to think......feel......do.......say.......sounds familiar.  I remember this feeling vividly...... losing Chase and not knowing what about anything.  

Part of welcoming this baby is physical and logical....how our family is growing and the viability of the pregnancy.  We both feel that we need to get to the appointment on Aug 5th before we can celebrate much.    But there seems to be a much bigger and more complicated emotional component to welcoming this baby than I expected.  I would have to say I am excited....I dusted the baby's dresser and cleaned up a bunch of stuff in that "area".  I am very excited to have a baby....that feeling I had as Chase's due date neared.   The excitement!  But as I talk to Patric...and realize my own true feelings, what I really, truly want, is Chase.  I know he is very confused about this because he does not want to "neglect" Chase.  There is a degree of guilt at this point....why we are bringing this baby into this world.  Obviously we wouldn't have gotten pregnant if Chase was here.  We wouldn't have tried to get pregnant anyway, has diligently as we have been trying for this baby.  For that reason, I feel like Chase is a part of this.  He sent this little one to us...he is taking care of him (?) for us until we can take care of him.  I honestly feel this way.  But I told Patric last night that it was 1 year and 2 months ago that Chase died and I feel about 10 years older.  Physically especially.  I never in my plans wanted to be having a baby at 38 years old.  By this age I would be nearly bidding good riddance to diapers once and for all.  Mentally I am worn.....that the timing is off.  Things aren't right--or the way they were supposed to be, anyway.  The world is out of balance right now for me.  

I am worried that Patric isn't excited for this baby.  I'm worried that he's not sure if he wants this baby like he thought he would.  I know he's not letting himself get excited yet because we are not through the first trimester.  But I don't know how mentally prepared he is for this.  

And when I experience his hesitations, it makes me consider mine.  But life, though not what we may plan, is what it is.  And it requires adjustments and adaptations.  And it is how well we adapt that lets us be happy again.  I will always have this sadness in my heart.  I will always yearn for my little boy.  But I know I have room in my heart for another little one to love.  And I know Patric does too.  It is part of our new normal.

I have read this on many sites of those whom I befriended in this babylost blogging community and are now pregnant.  Each time I read it and each day that passes, it becomes clearer and clearer...
"Rainbow babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope. 

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