Rollercoaster

I took 2 tests this week. I hated taking the second one. I did not want to get another negative. I don't want to get freaked out about this. I want it to happen if it is supposed to happen. This whole TTC thing gets soooo mental, though. This is one thing that if you want it bad enough....I just don't want to do that because I don't want to have to live with that if it doesn't happen. That I always wanted it so bad.

The first test I took the first day of my period since it didn't come. Afterall, I had the "answers" to the test, right, so if all that is right, we nailed the day(s) and we should be pg. Nope. Patric was as anxious as I was. He didn't push me, but he wanted to know as bad as I did. He asked me before I even had a chance to ask myself. So neg test and then still 3 days wo a period. wtf? Worse than a flunking this test? My cycle being all messed up. So tonite, the third day of my missed period, it starts. I should have known. I was sooooo emotional today. Tears just came. Like they always do during my period. Last night I started breaking out on my face. Nothing big...til this morning, then it was like wearing that sign that says AF came to visit. Then this evening I started feeling bloated. Never campy t hough. And low and behold, she's here. Well, 31 days, at least it's not too far off. I had told myself last week that anytime between now and July would be just fine. So now I just have to really feel that way. Wish me luck.

The biggest thought on my mind with getting pregnant? Telling Karly. I don't know why, yes I do, but that's going to be one of the coolest things...is when I get to tell Karly we're having a baby.

January

I exercised this morning...got on my bike for 70 minutes. I didn't go all out, enough to get a good sweat though. I have been coughing for about 3-4 days now, productive phlegm, and I never get sick so I noticed it a lot. It definitely kept me low key. I didnot have much air in my lungs for sure. And I ate almost an entire batch of cinamon rolls yesterday. that's all I ate and it made me feel like crap, too. So today I am trying to be much better. Iknow I need to eat healthy. I have all kinds of motivation. I really can't believe I ate all those cin rolls though. Man, they're good. No one else likes them so I knew I'd be eating them by myself....and I still made them. Never again!
Chase is 9 months old today. I can't believe it. It makes the pregnancy seem like a blink of an eye. That is why I get excited about wanting to get pregnant again....I know it will go fast. Just as it did with Chase. I miss him so much.

Day What?

I thought I nailed the day...then 2 days later I had another "sign" of ovulating. So we tried again, I mean, again. I don't know. Waiting. Having these "signs" though feels like I have answers to a test that I'm not supposed to know. I have never even been aware of when I ovulate when we got pregnant before. I never paid attention to it, I would kinda have it in my mind to try around day 14 to 16. But this time, now that I know these things, it's like, "well, then. let's just get this done." And if it doesn't work this time, I'm not sure what I'll think. Confused. Still waiting. Trying not to focus on this. But waiting. Hoping. And missing Chase all along.

I'm all messed up. I wrote down that I started my period on teh 22nd but I really thought it was the 24th. Yes, what coulda been a wonderful CHristmas present was lovely AF instead. Anyway, so I don't know if I'm ovulating today or in 2 days. I had a little "pinkishness" this morning and yesterday we had sex so we'll see how this works out. We had agreed to start "trying" in January so I guess we'll keep at it this week. (didn't mean to make that sound so mandatory!) I don't feel pressure. I feel calm. I want to just start having fun with my husband again. Whatever comes of it is whatever comes of it. It's hard and sad to read about others' stories of failed pregnancies after loss. I am so excited for another pregnancy and know I would feel completely different about it than I ever have in the past. But I also know that it is such a miracle--all of it. From beginning...to the day you bring the baby home. It's all a miraculous event that I wouldn't take any of it for granted. I know that this baby, or attempt at one, is as much for the kids as it is me. Please, let it be...