Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I Love butterflies

This week has been a blessing.  I am feeling  the baby quite often now.  It feels like litle flutters; little reminders that I am no longer just me.  I have a little one inside of me growing, reminding me what it there is to come.  I love those reminders.  They are so warm.  And each time I think of Chase.  I miss his kicks and movements and this makes me think of them.  Some days this feels like one hell of a long pregnancy--like I've been pregnant since April 2009.   

I have been working this past week at the event and seen by many people.  Some of them I have shared the namese and ages of my kids with.  And with those, I have always told them about Chase.  I don't cry when I tell them.  (usually)  But I do talk about it. To people I don't even know, but I share with them motherhood.  And when people see my bump and ask me my due date, I feel guilty.  Guilty for sharing this pregnancy.  In case.  In case we get hurt again and I will wish I wouldn't have put myself out there again.  And maybe guilty for being pregnant and not having a toddler at my hip like I should.  Guilt for my life having transpired like this.  I don't know exactly why, but in some ways I wish I was in that hole I wanted to crawl in when Chase died and not come out until I have a newborn in my arms.  But it brings me joy to show emotino and joy for this pregnancy and to get to know this little one.  So I am thankful for these flutters.  I love each one and I can't wait to feel the next one.  I have my newest little buddy right here with me all the time.  All the while missing my little butterfly that is flying above me. 

No comments:

Post a Comment