Friday, December 3, 2010

Week 29...already

I went to Abq myself for this appointment.  A long trip but I did it in record time and got some shopping done on the backside.  I'm looking forward to when Patric and I can go alone again, though.  Those are the best ones.  

I always get a BPP (biophysical profile) done at the perinatologists and I always get "all the points".  The baby looks great.  He really does and I love every minute of these ultrasounds....though some take longer than others to get all the right shots.  But I can't help but thinking how perfect Chase's three ultrasounds that I had done were, too.  He was perfect--all the points.  Nothing wrong.  Everything looked great.  Yet he never got to come home with us.  Those traumatic moments around his birth invade my thoughts.  All that can happen during delivery that I just assumed would go fine.  They always did before.  I ignored my intuitions and concerns with my care trusting that the baby would come out fine and we'd be on our merry way.  But now I know that you can't take those things for granted.  If you don't trust your doctor, you have to do something about it.  Now.  The care I am receiving during this pregnancy is wonderful and I have none of those doubts anymore.   It is a wonderful feeling.  It is a confidence that I now know is crucial.  It doesn't make the guilt go away from Chase's delivery at all.  I miss him dearly.  I want him here with me, on my lap, squishing the baby in my tummy, running me ragged as a toddler does.  But instead, he is in my heart.  He is in my soul and he is floating around above me, going everywhere I go, never leaving my side. I sleep with his blanket tonight as I have every night since the day before he left us.  And I feel protected... emotionally.....not physically because until the baby is in my arms, I know better.  But emotionally and spiritually Chase is taking care of me through this pregnancy and holding my  hand, making me appreciate ever moment ever so more.  Thank you, sweet baby boy, for your presence.  And the gifts you send us, we don't miss a one.  The shooting star you sent me on the way home Wednesday nite was one of the most brilliant, beautiful sights of nature I've ever laid my eyes on.  And I knew it was you.  Your little brother knew it, too.  We miss you and talk about you every day.  I can't wait to meet him and show him your picture and hold him in your blanket and feel you with us.  Soon.....

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