More symptoms

I have been feeling nauseous the last 4 or 5 days.  My boobs are starting to hurt.  I do have some zits.  My skin is real oily.   I've been a little gassy, nothing too bad.

I think about this little bean all the time.  I am so excited and I know this time is going to go extremely fast. But I am so very scared, too.  I am scared the pregnancy won't last.  Once we hear the heartbeat, I am scared it will stop beating and we won't get to the 2nd trimester.  I called the dr. office today and left a message.  I am hoping to get in for an appointment some time before we go camping.

I mentioned the zits because zits always mean it's a boy for me.  I was worried because at first I didn't have any.  I know Patric wants a boy.  Then I got the zits and think it could possibly be a boy.  Who knows!  But then....I want a boy so bad...for Patric and for Reese.  Karly wants a little brother, too.  I would love to have a little boy.  But what I really want is Chase.  I want Chase and then I want this baby to be a girl.  I want a little girl so bad.  But I want a boy because I really really wanted a boy last time.  I don't know what to think.  I think I won't think about it because I just want this baby to be healthy and that's what I will be praying for the entire pregnancy.  I just want a little boy and I want a little girl.  Both.  But I want the little boy to be Chase.  My little Chase.  Chase who should be a year and 2 months right now. I miss him so bad.  I ask him to help me through this pregnancy like he did when he was in my tummy.  I know he will.  I can feel his love wrapped around me.  I miss him so much.

You have big shoes to fill little one!

Some notes

For the record, I think it was about day 12 or day 13. This, I'm pretty sure, is the only time we "tried" this month since the kids & I were going to be in Nebr with Lyn. Anyway, I also wanted to document any symptoms, because with Chase I did not write anything down until at least half way through the pregnancy. I did not want to "jinx" anything having gone through the 2 miscarraiges. This time, I feel like I want to remember these things. I got very sick the night we got to Colorado to see Meg--both EJ and I did. I remember beginning to feel awful and thinking if this was morning sickness, I was sure I did not want to ever get pregnant again. Yuck. But since Emma had it, too (she threw up a few times), I figured it was flu or something we ate on the drive up north.

I remember waking up the last few nights we were in Chadron (about 10 days later) having to pee in the middle of the night, 2 or 3 times and a lot each time. I did not think anything about being pregnant (I don't think) or thought that there was no way I could be. I also had to cut my nails. And I think the only time I've had to cut my nails (due to them being too long) was when I was pregnant or something to do with baby. Looking back now, maybe that is one of my preggo symptoms. We have been exercising moderate to hard, me & Lyn, almost every day and eating pretty healthy. I have tried to continue this since getting home. Oh, and I broke out about normal (for a period) since I was wearing a lot of face sunscreen. No signs there.

That's all I can think of so far and for now. I am up with Reese because his feet hurt and I don't have Tylenol and Patric is working. He fell asleep finally and I'm going to bed....Missing you Chase.

Hello...

....little one!

I'm very excited and am dying not to tell EVERYONE!  But for now, we will just make sure you are doing what you need to do and will celebrate in about 6 or 7 weeks!  

I had kind of forgotten, well, written-off, the possibility of being pregnant this month and since we were gone for 17+ days, I didn't really know when my period was due.  I didn't bring along my day planner, of course!  When I got home...and got around to checking my calendar because I was dreading AF, I was happily surprised that I was 5-7 days late!  I couldn't sleep last night and when I got up this morning, I peed on the stick and it immediately showed up!  I told Patric as gracefully and quickly as I could.....about an hour or two later....and he was just as excited!  We will wait to share our news though and I have to hear a heartbeat before I tell the kids.  But I am counting the hours til that moment.  Can't wait!  Thanks Chase....I know you are watching over us.  Waiting with us....

What Chase said to us...

I found this "verse" (I'd rather just call it a quote) as part of a forwarded email and it has stuck with me.  to give credit where credit is due, it is John 14:27-29.

'I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do, you will believe in me.'

I like it.

Here I am

Okay, I've not been posting on here because I have tried to put my mind on hiatus.  Not much luck because I've had every pregnancy symptom known to man at some point, so accutely originating from my little brain.  Sore boobs, zits, fatigue, some nausea at nite, and yes, even a wacked out uterus that feels like the little peanut kicking around inside.  Actually just a lot of uterine twitching but have read that it can indicate a growing uterus.  No. No and No.  Or negative, negative and negative!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday in Albuquerque.  Dr. Ruma mostly counseled me more than anything.  He said I wasn't a candidate for Clomid even if he would consider it because it is usually for overweight people and not for those who have had had 4 healthy full-term pregnancies.  He did a great job of reassuring me that we will not have any problem getting pregnant.  It's all in the timing, which I have guessed but never know if I'm right nor not.  So in the end, it's eased my mind.  I really want to get back into shape anyway, as I have "let" this temple go to pots, by my standards.  I am about 20 pounds more than I want to be and there is really no reason.  I am healthy and my babies are always healthy.  When I get rid of the extra weight, several things will change.  I am less worried about it now.  At least I think so.  I have things to focus on and if we have another little one, then so be it.  Chase has helped me along in several ways and I know he will be there for me on this thing, too.   Until then.....hoping it really is day 15!

The Dream

I had a very odd dream last night. It was kind of morbid, very daunting, rather unnerving. We are trying to get pregnant but I can honestly say that I have been very cool about it, not focussing on it and not dwelling on it and not worrying about it too much. It's on my mind, but it's not overbearing to me and not consuming my thoughts. Chase is. He still does that. He always will. And this dream really drove that point home to me.

I wanted to write this down as soon as I woke up but I didn't, and here it is 6:30pm so, needless-to-say, I don't remember many of the details, mostly just the point. I was watching Reese play a basketball game in the gym. He was the only 4-year-old on the court, the rest were teenagers or adults, but he was playing hard, and would get so mad when he missed a shot. :) There were a lot of people in the dream, but only 4 main characters--only these I knew: Me, Reese, Chase, and a baby. I was holding Chase while I was standing there watching the game. And I also had a baby in an infant carrier. I held the carrier on my bent right arm and was holding Chase on my left hip. I never looked at the baby. I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. It was mine, I just was more concerned about Chase. Because, you see, he wasn't "whole". By that I mean he wasn't completely healthy, maybe developmentally delayed or under developed. He didn't really seem 11 months old to me, he seemed like a wobbly little baby, and he was weak. I had just "gotten him back". I don't know how or where, but I guess he "came back" and I only had a short time with him, that I knew. So I was watching Reese, the covered infant carrier with the baby in it and holding and looking at Chase. His hair was longer, baby-fine and flowing around. He just didn't seem like a healthy baby. I kissed all over him and looked at him and hugged him and talked to him, because I knew he wasn't here for long.

My point in this was that as bad as I want another baby, there is no replacement for Chase. My longing for him will never go away. This hole he has left in my heart will never mend. I want him so badly I would take him in any form he came to me in. Perfect or less than perfect. I miss you, baby boy. I hope you are doing fine. It hurts me to think that you are not. Sweet dreams. Godspeed.

Again...

Trying is fun, I have to admit. So I'm not complaining (and I don't think Sweetie is either!) WE timed everything pretty well again I think this month. But I think I have gotten to a place. I don't think I feel too pressrued. I mean if it doesn't happen, right now, I'm okay. I have given myself several months for us to get pregnant and I'm fine (up until then). I don't want to panic or feel like this HAS to happen right now for me.

BUt that doesn't stop my hormones, emotions and psyche from doing it's own thing. It's every month right b4 my cycle begins. And I get very emotional. I can't stop crying. I feel depressed. I feel like Chase died just yesterday. It's part of the grieving I know, but it's part of my body right now, too. I can't stop it. I can't control it. It usually lasts just a day or so. But it is very physical for me. PSychological, too. It's painful, emotionally. Wish it didn't have to be.

Miss you Chasey. Hugs from mama. xoxoxoxooxoxxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxox