Thoughts

I know this pregnancy is going to go fast.  Right now I am so focused on school and the rally that I don't hardly even notice these weeks.  I have a dr. appt. in 2 weeks and we will nearly half way.  Doesn't seem possible.

Actually, we are kind of numb this pregnancy.  We are excited, it's just that we are so cautious this time.  All of us--with our emotions.  Reese's last comment was the other day while school shopping.  He picked up a onesie for a boy and said, 

"mom, we should get this.  you know, just in case."

"What do you mean just in case?"

"You know, in case the baby comes with us."

"Comes with us where?"

"In case the baby comes home with us this time."

I caught myself after a pause.....because there's a slight part of me that feels the exact same way.  Then I said to him, "Reese, we are going to bring this baby home, honey.   It's just that we don't know if it is a boy or a girl."  "Oh, yeah, ok," he says.  But I know how he feels.  Because I do too.  I just hate that they know this feeling, too.

Right now, I am just getting big, but I very rarely feel the baby and when I do, it's just a little swoosh or something so it is hard to realize fully what is going on.  That we really are pregnant again.  That we are going to have our 5th baby, but bring home our 4th child.  It doesn't seem real a lot of the time.  I go online and look at the pics of the size of the baby but I"m scared to "shop" or read too much about the pregnancy.  I know it's there and it's healthy but I know nothing is a guarantee, so I feel this way.

I am happy.  And I love this baby.  Already.  And I pray each night that everything goes well.  Sometimes I anticipate bringing this one home, but I'm not really ready for that yet.  It's too weird.  I really want just Chase, to have brought him home.  To bring home a new baby is like skipping over a time period in our lives and that is a very odd feeling.  I wonder how much more I will miss Chase once the baby is here.  But for now, I will get to know him (or her) in my tummy.  I will start feeling the movements and growing with him.   I know Chase is here with me every step and I keep him near.  He is helping me get to know this one.  I love you, my babies, those I get to physically feel and those I don't.

Tired

Sometimes I am so tired this time. I really want and need to work out, but if I am just too tired, I don't. There are times that I really feel the independence of our kids, too, and I think that when we have another little one around, I'm going to have to do the things that I ask them to do. Just the other day at a restaurant for lunch, Reese had sticky hands and I had Emma go with him to the restroom to clean them up, because I was too tired/lazy to go help him. But at the forefront of my mind was that I won't be able to do that. Will I be able/willing/desiring/happy to do that, I ask myself? I tell myself yes, but it will definitely be a change, starting all over with the baby stage. If it was Chase, we'd already be through some of that....and I wouldn't be as tired as I am because I wouldn't be pregnant. I know it's only 16 months later, but sometimes it seems like 10 years later. Physically, this pregnancy, like Chase's, is hard on me. Only this one seems it might be harder, I don't know. There is a post I wrote back in Jan or Feb (okay, so it was March!) when I was pregnant with Chase that is all about getting through it and I read it often. I need that attitude this time around, too.....only maybe sooner.

To update my journal....last week I started feeling better--not as much morning sickness anyway. I feel better when I work out. I am eating a little better...yet I have my moments. I feel awful when I eat too much and I never know I ate too much until it's too late. Lovely. I am so big--yuck. But that's ok. As long as I'm exercising, I'll take whatever this pregnancy throws at me. It's all coming off (and about 15 lbs more) in the end anyway. In my "original" life, I would be running and training like a mad woman for the fun of it, and maybe a few races. My fitness would have been at a new level. But. That's not my life anymore. I am working on this new one. And Chase is helping me. I miss him and think of him as much as my mind lets me. He is always in my heart and always close in our thoughts and conversation. We are just trying to get you a little brother or sister to watch over. All the more for you to do up there in heaven, little man!

p.s. Our tests came back all with normal numbers. :)

Reality

It makes my heart stop each time Reese says, "I hope we get to bring this baby home."  I hate that he knows differently.  I hate that it is not "normal" for him to see mom go through pregnancy, get excited, visit mom and baby in the hospital and bring him home...and then grow up with him. It used to really bother me when he would say, "I don't have anyone to play with" because I knew that Chase would have been able to by now.  Now, I just hate it when he says that.  I suppose that will always be for the youngest in the family.....maybe I just wasn't ready for Reese to be the youngest.  And if we are lucky, he won't be....

Wow

We had our first trimester screening appointment yesterday.  It went very well.  Everything looked perfectly normal on the baby so far.  We breathed a small sigh of relief to see and hear that.  It was a very nerve-wracking appointment for both of us.  We have never been this nervous for an appointment.  Our perspective is completely different, our thoughts/concerns are brand new.  It doesn't make the journey an easy one.  But it is still miraculous.  Seeing our little one bouncing all around, kicking, waving, and sticking his tongue out is a testament to the miracle that has taken place so far.  I felt Chase's presence I think.  I really wanted to.  I imagined him up there on the screen with this little one....like he's taking care of him right now.  It rained on our way out of Alb and we saw the brightest, strongest rainbow I have ever seen.  When I told Karly about it, she said it was from Chase because he was so happy.  I like to think that, too.  Seeing this baby makes me really miss him. 

Next appointment is in 4 weeks. :)

Anticipation

Tomorrow we go to Albuquerque, my appointment is at 12:45.  I am nervous and excited.  I can't wait for this appointment and the pictures, but I have almost heard too many bad things not to be scared.  And I am. Scared.  I envision the moment of the u/s and measuring everything and hearing, "everythign looks good!" But I can almost imagine a different outcome, too, and for that, I feel guilty, scared and anxious.  I am praying and will be praying hard tonight for all good news.  I can't wait to see you little one.  I am sure I have felt you...just a few moments ago even.  i know you are there.  I know you are okay.  I know you are perfect.  I know you are a blessing sent from Chase & heaven above.  But I am still scared.  Protecting my children is the hardest thing to do in my life and I feel I have failed once and am scared it might happen again.  I promise you if/when you make it to my longing arms, I will never let anything happen to you.  I will do everything I can to take the best care of you now and until then, too.  Please, please, please.....I love you.

Emotions .... and hormones?

About 12 weeks today. Maybe the morning sickness is getting better, I don't know, but maybe.

I think--I feel like my hormones are raging. Well something raged last night but it snapped in me and I exploded. Like I used to get mad when I was pregnant with Chase. The kids were playing, it was getting late, they took their showers and kept playing. I kept telling them to go to bed. They were playing Star Wars with the light sabers. Finally Reese gets hurt....I hear Karly say "sorry buddy" and he came into the living room still not breathing yet from his cry he had let out. He said she hit him in the face. I did not see any trauma but knew he had to be hurt for this kind of cry. So the bomb went off. And no, he wasn't hurt.

I took off after Karly wanting to hit her with the light saber but just started screaming at the girls, telling them I had told them to go to bed already and I knew this would happen. I threw the light saber against the wall and they were scared. I was so angry. I left, but stepped back in their room and said I didn't want to see them tonight and pushed the fan down as I left, hearing a big crash. It was an instant flashback to when I was a little girl and my mom and dad were fighting one night, a big fight, and dad kicked the box fan and broke part of the grid on it. I was so scared. Last night I felt like dad must have felt, so mad. But I hated that I did that. I didn't know why I did that. As soon as I did it, I didn't know why I had done it. All three kids were terrified. I hate that. I was angry enough that I knew I needed to walk away. But I didn't make up with the girls before they fell asleep. And they woke up late and G came and got them this morning to go play at her house. So I still haven't appropriately made up with them. I talked to Karly a little bit but I did not talk to Emma at all.

I feel rotten. Like this monster came out of me that I couldn't control. I wonder if it is the hormonal rages that I had during the last pregnancy and I wonder if it will come back to me this pregnancy. One of the reasons Emma wants to homeschool this year is because we get along better now after losing Chase and we don't fight (read: mom doesn't get as mad) as much as before that happened. Now I don't know what to think. I know they won't forget this--I never forgot when my dad did it. And I don't know how to make it up to them. They are older now, smarter, and know more. It's not like I can tell myself it'll pass. I was rotten. I was a rotten mom. I wished it hadn't happened.

I just feel emotional these past few days. I don't know if everything is okay. My appt is Thursday and I'm very scared. I know everything will be alright, but then again I am afraid it won't be. I exercised this morning for the first time in a week and thought it might help my mental being a little. I felt great during the exercise, but afterward I felt extremely tired. In the shower, I felt so tired it reminded me of when my blood pressure crashed during my epidural with Chase. I was reminded how awful that felt and how everything happened so quickly. Then how tired I felt, not even able to lift my arm. It all just makes me nervous. I don't have any intuitions right now, I just want to be told everything is okay on Thursday. I pray for this baby and that I don't mess anything up every day. And I also think how stupid I was during my labor with Chase that I didn't know something was wrong....or at least wasn't strong enough to question the nurses & doctor. That thought is haunting me.

Please let this be hormonal changes that I will get through.....please, please, please.