Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Emotions .... and hormones?

About 12 weeks today. Maybe the morning sickness is getting better, I don't know, but maybe.

I think--I feel like my hormones are raging. Well something raged last night but it snapped in me and I exploded. Like I used to get mad when I was pregnant with Chase. The kids were playing, it was getting late, they took their showers and kept playing. I kept telling them to go to bed. They were playing Star Wars with the light sabers. Finally Reese gets hurt....I hear Karly say "sorry buddy" and he came into the living room still not breathing yet from his cry he had let out. He said she hit him in the face. I did not see any trauma but knew he had to be hurt for this kind of cry. So the bomb went off. And no, he wasn't hurt.

I took off after Karly wanting to hit her with the light saber but just started screaming at the girls, telling them I had told them to go to bed already and I knew this would happen. I threw the light saber against the wall and they were scared. I was so angry. I left, but stepped back in their room and said I didn't want to see them tonight and pushed the fan down as I left, hearing a big crash. It was an instant flashback to when I was a little girl and my mom and dad were fighting one night, a big fight, and dad kicked the box fan and broke part of the grid on it. I was so scared. Last night I felt like dad must have felt, so mad. But I hated that I did that. I didn't know why I did that. As soon as I did it, I didn't know why I had done it. All three kids were terrified. I hate that. I was angry enough that I knew I needed to walk away. But I didn't make up with the girls before they fell asleep. And they woke up late and G came and got them this morning to go play at her house. So I still haven't appropriately made up with them. I talked to Karly a little bit but I did not talk to Emma at all.

I feel rotten. Like this monster came out of me that I couldn't control. I wonder if it is the hormonal rages that I had during the last pregnancy and I wonder if it will come back to me this pregnancy. One of the reasons Emma wants to homeschool this year is because we get along better now after losing Chase and we don't fight (read: mom doesn't get as mad) as much as before that happened. Now I don't know what to think. I know they won't forget this--I never forgot when my dad did it. And I don't know how to make it up to them. They are older now, smarter, and know more. It's not like I can tell myself it'll pass. I was rotten. I was a rotten mom. I wished it hadn't happened.

I just feel emotional these past few days. I don't know if everything is okay. My appt is Thursday and I'm very scared. I know everything will be alright, but then again I am afraid it won't be. I exercised this morning for the first time in a week and thought it might help my mental being a little. I felt great during the exercise, but afterward I felt extremely tired. In the shower, I felt so tired it reminded me of when my blood pressure crashed during my epidural with Chase. I was reminded how awful that felt and how everything happened so quickly. Then how tired I felt, not even able to lift my arm. It all just makes me nervous. I don't have any intuitions right now, I just want to be told everything is okay on Thursday. I pray for this baby and that I don't mess anything up every day. And I also think how stupid I was during my labor with Chase that I didn't know something was wrong....or at least wasn't strong enough to question the nurses & doctor. That thought is haunting me.

Please let this be hormonal changes that I will get through.....please, please, please.

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