Thoughts

I know this pregnancy is going to go fast.  Right now I am so focused on school and the rally that I don't hardly even notice these weeks.  I have a dr. appt. in 2 weeks and we will nearly half way.  Doesn't seem possible.

Actually, we are kind of numb this pregnancy.  We are excited, it's just that we are so cautious this time.  All of us--with our emotions.  Reese's last comment was the other day while school shopping.  He picked up a onesie for a boy and said, 

"mom, we should get this.  you know, just in case."

"What do you mean just in case?"

"You know, in case the baby comes with us."

"Comes with us where?"

"In case the baby comes home with us this time."

I caught myself after a pause.....because there's a slight part of me that feels the exact same way.  Then I said to him, "Reese, we are going to bring this baby home, honey.   It's just that we don't know if it is a boy or a girl."  "Oh, yeah, ok," he says.  But I know how he feels.  Because I do too.  I just hate that they know this feeling, too.

Right now, I am just getting big, but I very rarely feel the baby and when I do, it's just a little swoosh or something so it is hard to realize fully what is going on.  That we really are pregnant again.  That we are going to have our 5th baby, but bring home our 4th child.  It doesn't seem real a lot of the time.  I go online and look at the pics of the size of the baby but I"m scared to "shop" or read too much about the pregnancy.  I know it's there and it's healthy but I know nothing is a guarantee, so I feel this way.

I am happy.  And I love this baby.  Already.  And I pray each night that everything goes well.  Sometimes I anticipate bringing this one home, but I'm not really ready for that yet.  It's too weird.  I really want just Chase, to have brought him home.  To bring home a new baby is like skipping over a time period in our lives and that is a very odd feeling.  I wonder how much more I will miss Chase once the baby is here.  But for now, I will get to know him (or her) in my tummy.  I will start feeling the movements and growing with him.   I know Chase is here with me every step and I keep him near.  He is helping me get to know this one.  I love you, my babies, those I get to physically feel and those I don't.