Appointment 33 weeks

We are starting our weekly doctor appointments with either the perinatologists or the OB starting today.  We met with the perinates and, as usual, it went very well.  I have been seen by all the doctors in the office and feel very comfortable with each of them.   They each have helped me answer questions that I had regarding Chase's delivery and today's discovery was most enlightening.  I was "assured" that what happened was "procedural related" and that because of this another placental abruption had even lesser odds of reoccurring.    Of course this is nice to hear, but it does not change the fact that my baby died and that I know anything can happen and until this baby is home in my arms, I will not take it for granted.  I thoroughly enjoy each day of the pregnancy.  I feel giddy when I think about meeting this little one but first and foremost, I love every day I get to carry him.  I talk to him and rub my belly when I feel him move.  And I think of Chase being in there and how he did all these same things, too.  And how I wished I would have cherished each day I had with him.  I don't really think about anything past bringing this one home.  In that I mean I don't cherish it for the fact that it may very well be my last pregnancy.  If it is, it is.  I just am thankful for each day I get, because I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  It's not a sad thing to think that way, it is just a way to really enjoy the now in life.  To just "be", as my yoga teacher says.

Here is a picture of the little one at 33 weeks, 4 days.  He measures nearly 35 weeks, weighing in at 5.5 lbs. and 17.4 inches so far.  We can't wait to meet you little buddy.  I wonder who you will resemble most....  Until we meet, I hope you enjoy this wonderful place you are sharing with your big brother Chase and will be ready to tell me all about it in a few weeks!

Update

I have not posted in a while....so busy.  Can't wait for the holidays and family coming to visit!  Anyway, I've had a couple appointments and ended up going to our hospital for a NST & BPP last week.  I wrote about it here.  Yesteday I saw my OB and I love the fact that she asks me questions and engages in conversation with me about my fears and concerns, no matter how insignificant they may seem.  She even told me today that she expected me to be hypersensitive to each and every feeling or concern I had....and that it was her job to sift through them and determine what was  normal or not.  All in all, though, she said this pregnancy is going perfectly and we do not expect anything unforseen.  Of course, we know none of that matters.  But looking forward, this pregnancy has been very smooth and I have enjoyed every bit of it past the 1st trimester.  I mean I have really enjoyed it.   I love this baby so much.  I talk to him all the time as he is kicking or moving around.  His butt is always up just under my right ribs so I love patting right there and rubbing that spot, feeling him move as I do so.  It is so amazing to watch and feel this....a true miracle.  And I talk to Chase, too, because I know he is near, watching me.  Just like Reese watches me in a crowd of people.  I love the look a little boy gives his mama.  I imagine Chase is looking at me all the time.  I just wish I could see him, too......

We are looking at February 10th.....or somewhere around there.  I should be hearing from the hospital soon on a set date.  When we get through the holidays, I will only have about 5 weeks left.  I'm sure the last few weeks will be much different this time around.  I remember feeling like I was going to miss being pregnant with Chase, which was the first time I ever felt that way at the end of a pregnancy!  But this time, this time that feeling is ten million times greater.  I love this baby inside me right now.  I am excited to meet him, but I am certainly loving being pregnant.  And I never thought I would say that!

My blood pressure was a tiny bit higher than my usual, but no concerns.  (I felt that way, too.)  The doctor was very pleased my weight gain....even after 2 days in a row of not exercising!  She has me down for gaining 16 pounds at this point.  But that doesn't include the 12 (at least) or so pounds I had already gained before I even started seeing her (shhhhh).  Anyway, as long as I'm still exercising and doing yoga, I think I'm doing okay.  As is baby.  I go back every week at this point and will try to update more often.  I get pictures next week again (yay!) so will post them if I get some good 3Ds.  Will also get some pregnancy pictures up.  hopefully!

Another appointment

Went to Abq today again for the OB appointment and BPP.  Things went well.  It is very comforting to sit and actually talk to my doctor about my concerns, what I'm struggling with in this pregnancy, what my fears are and how I am really feeling.....and she is really listening.   I told her how the standard of care in this hospital has given me a level of confidence that I never would have had staying where I was.  I still have my moments and my cautious optimism, but I am really taking each day as it comes and am thankful for this baby every moment I get with him.....which is all the time.  I hold my belly all the time, driving, sleeping or just whenever my hands are free to do so.  I am so blessed to be carrying this little bumpkin.  The kids asked me as soon as I got home if I had more pictures (all of them asked!) and I didn't.  But they thought it was cool I got to hear the heart beating.  

The last two nights I have gotten up every 2 hours to pee and am starting to get a little less comfortable.  Guess that means I'm on the home stretch.  I am still exercising when I can and doing as much yoga as I can.  Hardly a single strand of hair falls out and my finger nails are strong as ever--yay!  Everything seems to be going well.  The blood test came back and no worries.  We talked about February 10th for the delivery...but that is still tentative.  

So excited to meet you little one.  I love you more than you know!  Thanks for holding my hand Chase--I've needed you more than ever.....

mommy

Week 29...already

I went to Abq myself for this appointment.  A long trip but I did it in record time and got some shopping done on the backside.  I'm looking forward to when Patric and I can go alone again, though.  Those are the best ones.  

I always get a BPP (biophysical profile) done at the perinatologists and I always get "all the points".  The baby looks great.  He really does and I love every minute of these ultrasounds....though some take longer than others to get all the right shots.  But I can't help but thinking how perfect Chase's three ultrasounds that I had done were, too.  He was perfect--all the points.  Nothing wrong.  Everything looked great.  Yet he never got to come home with us.  Those traumatic moments around his birth invade my thoughts.  All that can happen during delivery that I just assumed would go fine.  They always did before.  I ignored my intuitions and concerns with my care trusting that the baby would come out fine and we'd be on our merry way.  But now I know that you can't take those things for granted.  If you don't trust your doctor, you have to do something about it.  Now.  The care I am receiving during this pregnancy is wonderful and I have none of those doubts anymore.   It is a wonderful feeling.  It is a confidence that I now know is crucial.  It doesn't make the guilt go away from Chase's delivery at all.  I miss him dearly.  I want him here with me, on my lap, squishing the baby in my tummy, running me ragged as a toddler does.  But instead, he is in my heart.  He is in my soul and he is floating around above me, going everywhere I go, never leaving my side. I sleep with his blanket tonight as I have every night since the day before he left us.  And I feel protected... emotionally.....not physically because until the baby is in my arms, I know better.  But emotionally and spiritually Chase is taking care of me through this pregnancy and holding my  hand, making me appreciate ever moment ever so more.  Thank you, sweet baby boy, for your presence.  And the gifts you send us, we don't miss a one.  The shooting star you sent me on the way home Wednesday nite was one of the most brilliant, beautiful sights of nature I've ever laid my eyes on.  And I knew it was you.  Your little brother knew it, too.  We miss you and talk about you every day.  I can't wait to meet him and show him your picture and hold him in your blanket and feel you with us.  Soon.....

Week 25 appointment

Everything went very well.  One appointment was on Thursday, the other one was this morning.  The baby looks great, I'm feeling great, everyone is healthy.  All is on track........but we still know there are no guarantees.  Every time I see this baby on the ultrasound monitor and see how perfect he looks, I think of Chase and how perfect he looked and how perfect he was, too.  Yet, I did not get to bring him home.  So I continue to cherish every moment I am carrying this little one and love him more and more every day.  I am so excited to meet him in person....but I already know he is perfect, he is part of us and he is loved.

I love these pictures!  I never wanted to see 3D images of ultrasound pics before because I just thought I wanted to wait until the birth to "see" my baby.  I wanted some surprise.  But this time, I want as many as I can get and I love them all.  The technician does a great job of getting them, and baby seems to cooperate rather well.  Thank you sweet boy, for letting me see you.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms...

An update

Everything has been going very well lately.  I have felt great actually.  My awful bouts with gas have subsided and I have not fought that issue for about 2 weeks.  It has been really nice not being uncomfortable with gas bubbles rumbling around in my "guts", so-to-speak.  When you suffer greatly and often from these pains, you really appreciate those times when you don't and I have been very grateful for this lately.  The baby is kicking quite a bit and I love feeling him all the time.  I have not shared too much of this with the kids yet, because it is all about "timing" of course, but in the next week or so, I suspect it will be much more obvious to the outside world the movement this little one is conducting inside me.  

The option for VBAC versus a planned c-section has been on my mind more and more.  There are many factors to consider in this plan and I/we have not made any decisions yet.  I am considering both for several reasons.  Though this day I seem to be leaning toward a c-section, the memories of my surgery with Chase have been haunting me.  These were some of the most ugly memories of losing Chase and when I actually sit and force myself to recall those events, I realize that I am terrified of having that surgery again.  I know what I experienced was not normal and most likely wouldn't happen again but it doesn't make those memories go away or any less scary.  After establishing with a new doctor and receiving the treatment and care that I have for this pregnancy, I cannot believe I settled for the grossly substandard care I received during Chase's pregnancy.  Knowing that this lack of care will not happen again, is very reassuring in the outcome I expect from this pregnancy and delivery.  But still.......I will never forget......And the decisions we will be making in the next few months will be talked about and thought about and talked about more until Patric, myself and my doctors are all comfortable with our plan.

***

Yesterday was my 2nd Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day to remember and, like many others, I lit some candles in memory of sweet Chase and the many other little ones that have left this earth too soon.  I hate to think about the fact that this is part of my life, but I am grateful for the community that supports those bereaved parents and am comforted by the thoughts and memories and prayers for our sweet little boy from people across the globe.  To those whose hearts are forever broken, may you feel comfort and peace in knowing your loved ones are not forgotten.

Feeling awesome

We took a "family trip" last week; got in my drs. appts., a concert with the kids and the zoo to name a few. It's nice to get away and not worry about things.  The kids' teachers were all cool with us taking the 2 days off.  And I was too.  To get to leave town and not have to worry about school (or homeschool) was nice.  The appointments both went great.  I got to watch little guy busy at work moving, kicking, hiccupping in my stomach in 4D even.  What a very cool experience.  Makes my eyes water every time.  I wonder what Chase would have looked like in there.  I kick myself for not asking for those pictures then.  Kick myself.  Maybe I would have gone back to them just so I could get more of those pictures and how different would have things gone then?  Regardless, I would have had more pictures of him to look at and how cool that would have been.  These 3D images are just so cool.  I used to not really like them when people would get them because I mean, really, what are you leaving to the element of surprise when baby is born into this world?  Why would you want to see and know so much about your baby before he is even born?  Just knowing they're healthy was always plenty for me to know.

These days I'm not into preserving for the "element of surprise".  Look what you can miss out on, is how I see it now.  I absolutely love knowing this baby is a boy.  And I absolutely love seeing these detailed images of him.  I feel like I know him already not as an "it" but as our little baby boy.  It is so cool.  When I feel him flutter and kick me, I picture him in there just like I saw him on the screen and it is amazing.  The ultrasound tech even made a DVD for me to bring home with the 4D (which is like streaming video for a few seconds) and all the 3D images.  I couldn't stick around for it so I will post it after next appt.  But here are some pics of our littlest angel.  

I posted on my other blog the emotions we are going through right now and announced this pregnancy finally over there.  It's not so easy to share this kind of news with all the babyloss moms who read your posts and always support you with such comforting words in their comments.  Rainbows are always sought after, but not always seen and no one wants to cause anymore pain to these moms than they're already going through.  I know; I've been there.  

I Love butterflies

This week has been a blessing.  I am feeling  the baby quite often now.  It feels like litle flutters; little reminders that I am no longer just me.  I have a little one inside of me growing, reminding me what it there is to come.  I love those reminders.  They are so warm.  And each time I think of Chase.  I miss his kicks and movements and this makes me think of them.  Some days this feels like one hell of a long pregnancy--like I've been pregnant since April 2009.   

I have been working this past week at the event and seen by many people.  Some of them I have shared the namese and ages of my kids with.  And with those, I have always told them about Chase.  I don't cry when I tell them.  (usually)  But I do talk about it. To people I don't even know, but I share with them motherhood.  And when people see my bump and ask me my due date, I feel guilty.  Guilty for sharing this pregnancy.  In case.  In case we get hurt again and I will wish I wouldn't have put myself out there again.  And maybe guilty for being pregnant and not having a toddler at my hip like I should.  Guilt for my life having transpired like this.  I don't know exactly why, but in some ways I wish I was in that hole I wanted to crawl in when Chase died and not come out until I have a newborn in my arms.  But it brings me joy to show emotino and joy for this pregnancy and to get to know this little one.  So I am thankful for these flutters.  I love each one and I can't wait to feel the next one.  I have my newest little buddy right here with me all the time.  All the while missing my little butterfly that is flying above me. 

Celebrate!

Here is our newest little boy!

I am feeling so much excitement today!  I have been "excited" for this pregnancy, but today I feel so completely different.  We had our doctor appointment yesterday and got such an overwhelming feeling of relief, I can hardly explain it.  I don't know why, really, because our first appointment was very positive, too.  Everything has checked out okay since the beginning.  But yesterday we saw 3d pictures and 2d pictures and watched our baby for what seemed like hours.  Every organ and every test appears very healthy and normal at this point and the doctors are very confident that this baby is perfectly healthy.  Now as I type those words, I realize that Chase was so very healthy, too, and that makes me feel not so good.....but I have been worried that we would run into something this time around and yesterday it seems that those worries have been lifted.  I am very excited to meet this little guy.

Yes, we found out yesterday he is a boy so we have told the kids and our families and the word is out.  My MIL gave me the huge stash of stuff she had bought for Chase to come home to and it was so bittersweet for her to give it to me and for me to receive it from her.  We both were very emotional for our little Chase.   It hurts that he never used these things.  But now I will tell this new little one how special he is and how special these clothes are that he will be wearing because they were his big brother's.  I have so many emotions balled up inside me right now and for the most part, I want to jump for joy and skip around everywhere with a big smile on my face.  But there is no where that this happiness goes that there is not a longing for my sweet little Chase, too.  I have a rainbow, yes I do.  But it doesn't negate the storm that came before it.  I know Chase is here with us.  He's watching us and taking care of his little brother.  There is so much in this pregnancy that feels like deja vu and to me, that's not a bad thing.  We are under very very good care with wonderful doctors and me and the baby are both very healthy right now.  For that I am so very grateful. And one day, we will bring this baby home in not just in our hearts, but also in our arms.

Appointment tomorrow

I felt the baby move tonight while I was sitting at the little table, pretty vividly.  That's good.  Because there is so much of the time that this pregnancy still doesn't seem real.  It is weird--but I just don't feel pregnant most of the time, other than being fat and tired.  I guess those are two obvious signs, but as big as I am, I feel like this baby should be moving and I should be feeling it.  Part of me is excited to find out the sex tomorrow.  Or anxious I should say.  The other part of me is waiting to find out of everything is going "right", healthy, etc.  Still waiting for that confirmation.  In my heart I have it, but in my head I don't think I do yet.  I need help getting through this, little one.  Lots of help.  Praying tonight that tomorrow is a good day.

Thoughts

I know this pregnancy is going to go fast.  Right now I am so focused on school and the rally that I don't hardly even notice these weeks.  I have a dr. appt. in 2 weeks and we will nearly half way.  Doesn't seem possible.

Actually, we are kind of numb this pregnancy.  We are excited, it's just that we are so cautious this time.  All of us--with our emotions.  Reese's last comment was the other day while school shopping.  He picked up a onesie for a boy and said, 

"mom, we should get this.  you know, just in case."

"What do you mean just in case?"

"You know, in case the baby comes with us."

"Comes with us where?"

"In case the baby comes home with us this time."

I caught myself after a pause.....because there's a slight part of me that feels the exact same way.  Then I said to him, "Reese, we are going to bring this baby home, honey.   It's just that we don't know if it is a boy or a girl."  "Oh, yeah, ok," he says.  But I know how he feels.  Because I do too.  I just hate that they know this feeling, too.

Right now, I am just getting big, but I very rarely feel the baby and when I do, it's just a little swoosh or something so it is hard to realize fully what is going on.  That we really are pregnant again.  That we are going to have our 5th baby, but bring home our 4th child.  It doesn't seem real a lot of the time.  I go online and look at the pics of the size of the baby but I"m scared to "shop" or read too much about the pregnancy.  I know it's there and it's healthy but I know nothing is a guarantee, so I feel this way.

I am happy.  And I love this baby.  Already.  And I pray each night that everything goes well.  Sometimes I anticipate bringing this one home, but I'm not really ready for that yet.  It's too weird.  I really want just Chase, to have brought him home.  To bring home a new baby is like skipping over a time period in our lives and that is a very odd feeling.  I wonder how much more I will miss Chase once the baby is here.  But for now, I will get to know him (or her) in my tummy.  I will start feeling the movements and growing with him.   I know Chase is here with me every step and I keep him near.  He is helping me get to know this one.  I love you, my babies, those I get to physically feel and those I don't.

Tired

Sometimes I am so tired this time. I really want and need to work out, but if I am just too tired, I don't. There are times that I really feel the independence of our kids, too, and I think that when we have another little one around, I'm going to have to do the things that I ask them to do. Just the other day at a restaurant for lunch, Reese had sticky hands and I had Emma go with him to the restroom to clean them up, because I was too tired/lazy to go help him. But at the forefront of my mind was that I won't be able to do that. Will I be able/willing/desiring/happy to do that, I ask myself? I tell myself yes, but it will definitely be a change, starting all over with the baby stage. If it was Chase, we'd already be through some of that....and I wouldn't be as tired as I am because I wouldn't be pregnant. I know it's only 16 months later, but sometimes it seems like 10 years later. Physically, this pregnancy, like Chase's, is hard on me. Only this one seems it might be harder, I don't know. There is a post I wrote back in Jan or Feb (okay, so it was March!) when I was pregnant with Chase that is all about getting through it and I read it often. I need that attitude this time around, too.....only maybe sooner.

To update my journal....last week I started feeling better--not as much morning sickness anyway. I feel better when I work out. I am eating a little better...yet I have my moments. I feel awful when I eat too much and I never know I ate too much until it's too late. Lovely. I am so big--yuck. But that's ok. As long as I'm exercising, I'll take whatever this pregnancy throws at me. It's all coming off (and about 15 lbs more) in the end anyway. In my "original" life, I would be running and training like a mad woman for the fun of it, and maybe a few races. My fitness would have been at a new level. But. That's not my life anymore. I am working on this new one. And Chase is helping me. I miss him and think of him as much as my mind lets me. He is always in my heart and always close in our thoughts and conversation. We are just trying to get you a little brother or sister to watch over. All the more for you to do up there in heaven, little man!

p.s. Our tests came back all with normal numbers. :)

Reality

It makes my heart stop each time Reese says, "I hope we get to bring this baby home."  I hate that he knows differently.  I hate that it is not "normal" for him to see mom go through pregnancy, get excited, visit mom and baby in the hospital and bring him home...and then grow up with him. It used to really bother me when he would say, "I don't have anyone to play with" because I knew that Chase would have been able to by now.  Now, I just hate it when he says that.  I suppose that will always be for the youngest in the family.....maybe I just wasn't ready for Reese to be the youngest.  And if we are lucky, he won't be....

Wow

We had our first trimester screening appointment yesterday.  It went very well.  Everything looked perfectly normal on the baby so far.  We breathed a small sigh of relief to see and hear that.  It was a very nerve-wracking appointment for both of us.  We have never been this nervous for an appointment.  Our perspective is completely different, our thoughts/concerns are brand new.  It doesn't make the journey an easy one.  But it is still miraculous.  Seeing our little one bouncing all around, kicking, waving, and sticking his tongue out is a testament to the miracle that has taken place so far.  I felt Chase's presence I think.  I really wanted to.  I imagined him up there on the screen with this little one....like he's taking care of him right now.  It rained on our way out of Alb and we saw the brightest, strongest rainbow I have ever seen.  When I told Karly about it, she said it was from Chase because he was so happy.  I like to think that, too.  Seeing this baby makes me really miss him. 

Next appointment is in 4 weeks. :)

Anticipation

Tomorrow we go to Albuquerque, my appointment is at 12:45.  I am nervous and excited.  I can't wait for this appointment and the pictures, but I have almost heard too many bad things not to be scared.  And I am. Scared.  I envision the moment of the u/s and measuring everything and hearing, "everythign looks good!" But I can almost imagine a different outcome, too, and for that, I feel guilty, scared and anxious.  I am praying and will be praying hard tonight for all good news.  I can't wait to see you little one.  I am sure I have felt you...just a few moments ago even.  i know you are there.  I know you are okay.  I know you are perfect.  I know you are a blessing sent from Chase & heaven above.  But I am still scared.  Protecting my children is the hardest thing to do in my life and I feel I have failed once and am scared it might happen again.  I promise you if/when you make it to my longing arms, I will never let anything happen to you.  I will do everything I can to take the best care of you now and until then, too.  Please, please, please.....I love you.

Emotions .... and hormones?

About 12 weeks today. Maybe the morning sickness is getting better, I don't know, but maybe.

I think--I feel like my hormones are raging. Well something raged last night but it snapped in me and I exploded. Like I used to get mad when I was pregnant with Chase. The kids were playing, it was getting late, they took their showers and kept playing. I kept telling them to go to bed. They were playing Star Wars with the light sabers. Finally Reese gets hurt....I hear Karly say "sorry buddy" and he came into the living room still not breathing yet from his cry he had let out. He said she hit him in the face. I did not see any trauma but knew he had to be hurt for this kind of cry. So the bomb went off. And no, he wasn't hurt.

I took off after Karly wanting to hit her with the light saber but just started screaming at the girls, telling them I had told them to go to bed already and I knew this would happen. I threw the light saber against the wall and they were scared. I was so angry. I left, but stepped back in their room and said I didn't want to see them tonight and pushed the fan down as I left, hearing a big crash. It was an instant flashback to when I was a little girl and my mom and dad were fighting one night, a big fight, and dad kicked the box fan and broke part of the grid on it. I was so scared. Last night I felt like dad must have felt, so mad. But I hated that I did that. I didn't know why I did that. As soon as I did it, I didn't know why I had done it. All three kids were terrified. I hate that. I was angry enough that I knew I needed to walk away. But I didn't make up with the girls before they fell asleep. And they woke up late and G came and got them this morning to go play at her house. So I still haven't appropriately made up with them. I talked to Karly a little bit but I did not talk to Emma at all.

I feel rotten. Like this monster came out of me that I couldn't control. I wonder if it is the hormonal rages that I had during the last pregnancy and I wonder if it will come back to me this pregnancy. One of the reasons Emma wants to homeschool this year is because we get along better now after losing Chase and we don't fight (read: mom doesn't get as mad) as much as before that happened. Now I don't know what to think. I know they won't forget this--I never forgot when my dad did it. And I don't know how to make it up to them. They are older now, smarter, and know more. It's not like I can tell myself it'll pass. I was rotten. I was a rotten mom. I wished it hadn't happened.

I just feel emotional these past few days. I don't know if everything is okay. My appt is Thursday and I'm very scared. I know everything will be alright, but then again I am afraid it won't be. I exercised this morning for the first time in a week and thought it might help my mental being a little. I felt great during the exercise, but afterward I felt extremely tired. In the shower, I felt so tired it reminded me of when my blood pressure crashed during my epidural with Chase. I was reminded how awful that felt and how everything happened so quickly. Then how tired I felt, not even able to lift my arm. It all just makes me nervous. I don't have any intuitions right now, I just want to be told everything is okay on Thursday. I pray for this baby and that I don't mess anything up every day. And I also think how stupid I was during my labor with Chase that I didn't know something was wrong....or at least wasn't strong enough to question the nurses & doctor. That thought is haunting me.

Please let this be hormonal changes that I will get through.....please, please, please.

I saw you!

My appointment went well.  I hated having to pee and weigh in but I know it is for the records....which I did not have at all with Chase.  But my relief was when I saw your little heart beating on the screen and heard it with my very ears.   Such a sweet sound!  I know I will begin feeling you soon...I can't wait!  Thank you, sweet Chase, for being there with me.  I miss you so much. 

Another view

I have been feeling all they sypmtoms....fatigue, nausea, fatigue, nausea, breast tenderness, very oily skin (don't need lotion!), gassy.   I am going in to the dr.s office to see another picture of you today, though.  For some reason (read: fear), I need a confirmation after 10 weeks that you are still okay.  I can't feel you yet, so I need something tangible.  I think everything is okay.  I have no particular "ill feelings" about this pregnancy.  I just need to know before I head out of the state this weekend to spend with family.  That's all.  I can't wait until my appointment in Abq so we can tell the kids.  They are going to be so excited.  Holding my breath until this afternoon.....

Emotions

I don't know what to think......feel......do.......say.......sounds familiar.  I remember this feeling vividly...... losing Chase and not knowing what about anything.  

Part of welcoming this baby is physical and logical....how our family is growing and the viability of the pregnancy.  We both feel that we need to get to the appointment on Aug 5th before we can celebrate much.    But there seems to be a much bigger and more complicated emotional component to welcoming this baby than I expected.  I would have to say I am excited....I dusted the baby's dresser and cleaned up a bunch of stuff in that "area".  I am very excited to have a baby....that feeling I had as Chase's due date neared.   The excitement!  But as I talk to Patric...and realize my own true feelings, what I really, truly want, is Chase.  I know he is very confused about this because he does not want to "neglect" Chase.  There is a degree of guilt at this point....why we are bringing this baby into this world.  Obviously we wouldn't have gotten pregnant if Chase was here.  We wouldn't have tried to get pregnant anyway, has diligently as we have been trying for this baby.  For that reason, I feel like Chase is a part of this.  He sent this little one to us...he is taking care of him (?) for us until we can take care of him.  I honestly feel this way.  But I told Patric last night that it was 1 year and 2 months ago that Chase died and I feel about 10 years older.  Physically especially.  I never in my plans wanted to be having a baby at 38 years old.  By this age I would be nearly bidding good riddance to diapers once and for all.  Mentally I am worn.....that the timing is off.  Things aren't right--or the way they were supposed to be, anyway.  The world is out of balance right now for me.  

I am worried that Patric isn't excited for this baby.  I'm worried that he's not sure if he wants this baby like he thought he would.  I know he's not letting himself get excited yet because we are not through the first trimester.  But I don't know how mentally prepared he is for this.  

And when I experience his hesitations, it makes me consider mine.  But life, though not what we may plan, is what it is.  And it requires adjustments and adaptations.  And it is how well we adapt that lets us be happy again.  I will always have this sadness in my heart.  I will always yearn for my little boy.  But I know I have room in my heart for another little one to love.  And I know Patric does too.  It is part of our new normal.

I have read this on many sites of those whom I befriended in this babylost blogging community and are now pregnant.  Each time I read it and each day that passes, it becomes clearer and clearer...

"Rainbow babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope. 

We've Come This Far

I was so nervous this morning, and several days prior.  Waiting....to see if you were there.  To see if your little heart was beating.  To see our fifth little one, hopefully.  I was so scared since the accident so today was mostly to put that fear at ease. 

And it did.  That fear.  That one fear.  There are still several more and we are still waiting to "celebrate" for 4 more weeks when we share you with your sisters and brothers.  Well, Chase already knows you and he's taking care of you right now.  But the other three are going to be ecstatic when they find out.

You are pretty cute already.  Your heart was beating 167 bpm.  And the doctor tells me you will be here a a week earlier than I thought--February 13th.  I am so happy I got to see you and hear you.  I will be waiting...patiently.....and as calmly as I can....until we make it past the next stage.  

Oh no

I have a whole new range of fear raging in my head.  I rear-ended someone pretty bad yesterday and though I don't think I did anything to the baby, I am so worried.  I read today that you are the size of a blueberry--wow, that's bigger than what I thought.  But the doctor I spoke with said I really needed to nearly break my pelvis in order to affect the pregnancy at this time.  My uterus was certainly tight a lot of the day yesterday.  I can feel it so acutely.  I did not feel cramps really though.  I am really excited about this pregnancy and can't wait until I can share my excitement and I just want to get to that point.  I am happy with everything about this pregnancy.  I started getting zits on my back and elsewhere so I think that means boy.  That makes me happy for Patric.  Of course I really want a little girl too.  (like in addition!) I just hope and pray and talk to this little bean all the time that he/she is okay and to keep growing.   Please, please, please......

More symptoms

I have been feeling nauseous the last 4 or 5 days.  My boobs are starting to hurt.  I do have some zits.  My skin is real oily.   I've been a little gassy, nothing too bad.

I think about this little bean all the time.  I am so excited and I know this time is going to go extremely fast. But I am so very scared, too.  I am scared the pregnancy won't last.  Once we hear the heartbeat, I am scared it will stop beating and we won't get to the 2nd trimester.  I called the dr. office today and left a message.  I am hoping to get in for an appointment some time before we go camping.

I mentioned the zits because zits always mean it's a boy for me.  I was worried because at first I didn't have any.  I know Patric wants a boy.  Then I got the zits and think it could possibly be a boy.  Who knows!  But then....I want a boy so bad...for Patric and for Reese.  Karly wants a little brother, too.  I would love to have a little boy.  But what I really want is Chase.  I want Chase and then I want this baby to be a girl.  I want a little girl so bad.  But I want a boy because I really really wanted a boy last time.  I don't know what to think.  I think I won't think about it because I just want this baby to be healthy and that's what I will be praying for the entire pregnancy.  I just want a little boy and I want a little girl.  Both.  But I want the little boy to be Chase.  My little Chase.  Chase who should be a year and 2 months right now. I miss him so bad.  I ask him to help me through this pregnancy like he did when he was in my tummy.  I know he will.  I can feel his love wrapped around me.  I miss him so much.

You have big shoes to fill little one!

Some notes

For the record, I think it was about day 12 or day 13. This, I'm pretty sure, is the only time we "tried" this month since the kids & I were going to be in Nebr with Lyn. Anyway, I also wanted to document any symptoms, because with Chase I did not write anything down until at least half way through the pregnancy. I did not want to "jinx" anything having gone through the 2 miscarraiges. This time, I feel like I want to remember these things. I got very sick the night we got to Colorado to see Meg--both EJ and I did. I remember beginning to feel awful and thinking if this was morning sickness, I was sure I did not want to ever get pregnant again. Yuck. But since Emma had it, too (she threw up a few times), I figured it was flu or something we ate on the drive up north.

I remember waking up the last few nights we were in Chadron (about 10 days later) having to pee in the middle of the night, 2 or 3 times and a lot each time. I did not think anything about being pregnant (I don't think) or thought that there was no way I could be. I also had to cut my nails. And I think the only time I've had to cut my nails (due to them being too long) was when I was pregnant or something to do with baby. Looking back now, maybe that is one of my preggo symptoms. We have been exercising moderate to hard, me & Lyn, almost every day and eating pretty healthy. I have tried to continue this since getting home. Oh, and I broke out about normal (for a period) since I was wearing a lot of face sunscreen. No signs there.

That's all I can think of so far and for now. I am up with Reese because his feet hurt and I don't have Tylenol and Patric is working. He fell asleep finally and I'm going to bed....Missing you Chase.

Hello...

....little one!

I'm very excited and am dying not to tell EVERYONE!  But for now, we will just make sure you are doing what you need to do and will celebrate in about 6 or 7 weeks!  

I had kind of forgotten, well, written-off, the possibility of being pregnant this month and since we were gone for 17+ days, I didn't really know when my period was due.  I didn't bring along my day planner, of course!  When I got home...and got around to checking my calendar because I was dreading AF, I was happily surprised that I was 5-7 days late!  I couldn't sleep last night and when I got up this morning, I peed on the stick and it immediately showed up!  I told Patric as gracefully and quickly as I could.....about an hour or two later....and he was just as excited!  We will wait to share our news though and I have to hear a heartbeat before I tell the kids.  But I am counting the hours til that moment.  Can't wait!  Thanks Chase....I know you are watching over us.  Waiting with us....

What Chase said to us...

I found this "verse" (I'd rather just call it a quote) as part of a forwarded email and it has stuck with me.  to give credit where credit is due, it is John 14:27-29.

'I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do, you will believe in me.'

I like it.

Here I am

Okay, I've not been posting on here because I have tried to put my mind on hiatus.  Not much luck because I've had every pregnancy symptom known to man at some point, so accutely originating from my little brain.  Sore boobs, zits, fatigue, some nausea at nite, and yes, even a wacked out uterus that feels like the little peanut kicking around inside.  Actually just a lot of uterine twitching but have read that it can indicate a growing uterus.  No. No and No.  Or negative, negative and negative!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday in Albuquerque.  Dr. Ruma mostly counseled me more than anything.  He said I wasn't a candidate for Clomid even if he would consider it because it is usually for overweight people and not for those who have had had 4 healthy full-term pregnancies.  He did a great job of reassuring me that we will not have any problem getting pregnant.  It's all in the timing, which I have guessed but never know if I'm right nor not.  So in the end, it's eased my mind.  I really want to get back into shape anyway, as I have "let" this temple go to pots, by my standards.  I am about 20 pounds more than I want to be and there is really no reason.  I am healthy and my babies are always healthy.  When I get rid of the extra weight, several things will change.  I am less worried about it now.  At least I think so.  I have things to focus on and if we have another little one, then so be it.  Chase has helped me along in several ways and I know he will be there for me on this thing, too.   Until then.....hoping it really is day 15!

The Dream

I had a very odd dream last night. It was kind of morbid, very daunting, rather unnerving. We are trying to get pregnant but I can honestly say that I have been very cool about it, not focussing on it and not dwelling on it and not worrying about it too much. It's on my mind, but it's not overbearing to me and not consuming my thoughts. Chase is. He still does that. He always will. And this dream really drove that point home to me.

I wanted to write this down as soon as I woke up but I didn't, and here it is 6:30pm so, needless-to-say, I don't remember many of the details, mostly just the point. I was watching Reese play a basketball game in the gym. He was the only 4-year-old on the court, the rest were teenagers or adults, but he was playing hard, and would get so mad when he missed a shot. :) There were a lot of people in the dream, but only 4 main characters--only these I knew: Me, Reese, Chase, and a baby. I was holding Chase while I was standing there watching the game. And I also had a baby in an infant carrier. I held the carrier on my bent right arm and was holding Chase on my left hip. I never looked at the baby. I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. It was mine, I just was more concerned about Chase. Because, you see, he wasn't "whole". By that I mean he wasn't completely healthy, maybe developmentally delayed or under developed. He didn't really seem 11 months old to me, he seemed like a wobbly little baby, and he was weak. I had just "gotten him back". I don't know how or where, but I guess he "came back" and I only had a short time with him, that I knew. So I was watching Reese, the covered infant carrier with the baby in it and holding and looking at Chase. His hair was longer, baby-fine and flowing around. He just didn't seem like a healthy baby. I kissed all over him and looked at him and hugged him and talked to him, because I knew he wasn't here for long.

My point in this was that as bad as I want another baby, there is no replacement for Chase. My longing for him will never go away. This hole he has left in my heart will never mend. I want him so badly I would take him in any form he came to me in. Perfect or less than perfect. I miss you, baby boy. I hope you are doing fine. It hurts me to think that you are not. Sweet dreams. Godspeed.

Again...

Trying is fun, I have to admit. So I'm not complaining (and I don't think Sweetie is either!) WE timed everything pretty well again I think this month. But I think I have gotten to a place. I don't think I feel too pressrued. I mean if it doesn't happen, right now, I'm okay. I have given myself several months for us to get pregnant and I'm fine (up until then). I don't want to panic or feel like this HAS to happen right now for me.

BUt that doesn't stop my hormones, emotions and psyche from doing it's own thing. It's every month right b4 my cycle begins. And I get very emotional. I can't stop crying. I feel depressed. I feel like Chase died just yesterday. It's part of the grieving I know, but it's part of my body right now, too. I can't stop it. I can't control it. It usually lasts just a day or so. But it is very physical for me. PSychological, too. It's painful, emotionally. Wish it didn't have to be.

Miss you Chasey. Hugs from mama. xoxoxoxooxoxxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxox

Rollercoaster

I took 2 tests this week. I hated taking the second one. I did not want to get another negative. I don't want to get freaked out about this. I want it to happen if it is supposed to happen. This whole TTC thing gets soooo mental, though. This is one thing that if you want it bad enough....I just don't want to do that because I don't want to have to live with that if it doesn't happen. That I always wanted it so bad.

The first test I took the first day of my period since it didn't come. Afterall, I had the "answers" to the test, right, so if all that is right, we nailed the day(s) and we should be pg. Nope. Patric was as anxious as I was. He didn't push me, but he wanted to know as bad as I did. He asked me before I even had a chance to ask myself. So neg test and then still 3 days wo a period. wtf? Worse than a flunking this test? My cycle being all messed up. So tonite, the third day of my missed period, it starts. I should have known. I was sooooo emotional today. Tears just came. Like they always do during my period. Last night I started breaking out on my face. Nothing big...til this morning, then it was like wearing that sign that says AF came to visit. Then this evening I started feeling bloated. Never campy t hough. And low and behold, she's here. Well, 31 days, at least it's not too far off. I had told myself last week that anytime between now and July would be just fine. So now I just have to really feel that way. Wish me luck.

The biggest thought on my mind with getting pregnant? Telling Karly. I don't know why, yes I do, but that's going to be one of the coolest things...is when I get to tell Karly we're having a baby.

January

I exercised this morning...got on my bike for 70 minutes. I didn't go all out, enough to get a good sweat though. I have been coughing for about 3-4 days now, productive phlegm, and I never get sick so I noticed it a lot. It definitely kept me low key. I didnot have much air in my lungs for sure. And I ate almost an entire batch of cinamon rolls yesterday. that's all I ate and it made me feel like crap, too. So today I am trying to be much better. Iknow I need to eat healthy. I have all kinds of motivation. I really can't believe I ate all those cin rolls though. Man, they're good. No one else likes them so I knew I'd be eating them by myself....and I still made them. Never again!
Chase is 9 months old today. I can't believe it. It makes the pregnancy seem like a blink of an eye. That is why I get excited about wanting to get pregnant again....I know it will go fast. Just as it did with Chase. I miss him so much.

Day What?

I thought I nailed the day...then 2 days later I had another "sign" of ovulating. So we tried again, I mean, again. I don't know. Waiting. Having these "signs" though feels like I have answers to a test that I'm not supposed to know. I have never even been aware of when I ovulate when we got pregnant before. I never paid attention to it, I would kinda have it in my mind to try around day 14 to 16. But this time, now that I know these things, it's like, "well, then. let's just get this done." And if it doesn't work this time, I'm not sure what I'll think. Confused. Still waiting. Trying not to focus on this. But waiting. Hoping. And missing Chase all along.

I'm all messed up. I wrote down that I started my period on teh 22nd but I really thought it was the 24th. Yes, what coulda been a wonderful CHristmas present was lovely AF instead. Anyway, so I don't know if I'm ovulating today or in 2 days. I had a little "pinkishness" this morning and yesterday we had sex so we'll see how this works out. We had agreed to start "trying" in January so I guess we'll keep at it this week. (didn't mean to make that sound so mandatory!) I don't feel pressure. I feel calm. I want to just start having fun with my husband again. Whatever comes of it is whatever comes of it. It's hard and sad to read about others' stories of failed pregnancies after loss. I am so excited for another pregnancy and know I would feel completely different about it than I ever have in the past. But I also know that it is such a miracle--all of it. From beginning...to the day you bring the baby home. It's all a miraculous event that I wouldn't take any of it for granted. I know that this baby, or attempt at one, is as much for the kids as it is me. Please, let it be...